When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
