I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
nutella sex= disaster
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
