I'm jealous of your bromance
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
