I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im six kinds of drunk right now
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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