I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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