I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
