I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
