girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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