Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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