You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
