I just cut my nipple shaving
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
