my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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