Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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