God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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