That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
