Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
