Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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