If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
