She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
