it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
