I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
you never un-have a 4some
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
