I didn't shave. On purpose
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
