that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
