I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
