the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
