How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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