so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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