I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
