i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
