My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
