There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
