now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
