My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
