3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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