i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
