When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
