apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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