You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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