Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
