My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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