The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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