His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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