how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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