Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
