Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
