its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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