It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
