I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
