You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
