My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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