toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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