the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
