please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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