In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
