i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it because I queefed?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
