oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
