I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
