Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
