Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
