I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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